HEROES DON'T COME BACK

This is a very short comedy set on a small island in the Mediterranean Sea in our days, and yet it could be set anywhere, anytime. The protagonists are two mothers who like most mothers have got great expectations when it comes to their children. But children, we know, hardly ever turn out to be what their parents wish them to be. It’s always been the same old story, North, South, East and West, parents try to “shape” their children whilst children STRIVE TO FIND THEIR OWN WAY!.

Lena and Maria are sisters in law. Lena is American and Maria is from Sicily. They live in Pantelleria, where Lena’s brother (Maria’s husband) owns a restaurant. The two sisters in law are expecting their children back from England where they have been studying for the past few years, keeping their parents’ hope high and making them proud.

LENA’S HOME

KNOCK KNOCK

LENA: I wonder who that is…

(opens the door)

Hello! How are you?

MARIA: Hi, I’m fine, how are you?

LENA: I’m ok, thanks… Love your earrings, so shiny…AND that ring! Must have cost a fortune!

MARIA: A small fortune I suppose…

LENA: (to the audience) poor brother of mine, he married a gold digger…

(to Maria) Would you like to take a seat?

MARIA: Yes please… Ah… Guess what!

LENA: What?

MARIA: My Susie is coming home from University. After all these years in England, I am so excited…

LENA: Is that right… Well MY MICHAEL is coming home too, you know…he’s just finished his second semester with TOP MARKS, TOP OF HIS CLASS

MARIA: IS that so… How lovely… Well You know my Susie is the first in our family to have gone to University, so we are sooo proud. She has been getting all A’s. And not only she is a straight A student but she got engaged! She is bringing her boyfriend home to meet us! A law student from Oxford!... OXFORD UNIVERSITY, ENGLAND

LENA: Really? Anyway, my Michael…he studies medicine and… everybody knows medical studies are 10 times as hard as any other “ordinary” course… Can you imagine my son Michael “THE DOCTOR”!

MARIA: Well, my dear friend, I don’t know if should say this but… 

LENA: What?

MARIA: I don’t think he’s going to find a job as a doctor when he gets back…

LENA: Why not?

MARIA: Oh well, it’s very difficult to find that kind of job here these days, he might as well help out at the restaurant instead…

LENA: Let me get you another cup of tea… How many sugars?

MARIA:  Lots and lots of sugar

LENA: yeah, I thought you’d say lots and lots of sugar, one can tell being fit is not one of your priorities, is it! OR "Alright, lots and lots (to the audience) WHO'S EATEN ALL THE PIE!..."

THE DOORBELL RINGS

MARIA: it must be my Susie!

LENA: No, I’m sure it’s my Michael, he said he was going to be home around this time… (GOES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT)

Hello!

SUSIE: Hi

LENA: Oh, it’s for you… it’s definitely for you!

MARIA: My Susie? (SHE SEES HER) My Susie?

SUSIE: Hey, Ma’, Chill… Peace and love everybody… (she sits on the floor, starts rolling a joint. Enters Corey)

COREY: Yo Sisters, what’s up? (To the audience) How is it hanging bros?

MARIA: Who is this? What is this thing?

SUSIE: Mother mother mother, this is my BOYFRIEND, Corey!

MARIA: No, no no no no no no

LENA: here Maria come here, sit down, have a seat, don’t you worry, everything is going to be alright…

MARIA: that is not possible, that’s not MY Susie, and that thing, take that thing away from me! Oh my God, Oh my God, I’m going to have a heart attack

LENA: calm down, calm down Maria, let me talk to her… AND.... (to Corey) Excuse me young man, can you NOT sit on my table please?

SUSIE: Stop it aunt Lena, don’t touch him, if you hit him I’ll hit you back, I love this man!

LENA: Susie

SUSIE: Yes Auntie

LENA: Susie

SUSIE: Yes Auntie

LENA: Is this the young man from Oxford University?

SUSIE: No, Oh, no… I said  BOXFORD, the Reform School for Young Offenders, near where I live…

MARIA: Oh no, no, no this is too much I can’t take it anymore, Ijust can’t oh, what am I going to do, where did I go wrong? Oh No…

LENA: I know, Iknow Thank God we’ve got my Michael. At least he’s normal!

KNOCK KNOCK

LENA :(goes to the door and opens it) Yes Miss, How can I help you?

MICHAEL:  (now between genders) Ma’ (opens up his arms to hug her) It’s me, Michael!

LENA: (horrified ) Oh no, oh no… no, no… 

(LENA AND MARIA END UP SOBBING , BOTH DESPERATE, THEY HUG AND COMFORT EACH OTHER)

The end

THE "TWO FATHERS" VERSION

LEONARD’S HOME

KNOCK KNOCK

LEONARD: I wonder who that is…

(opens the door)

Hello! How are you?

MARIO: Hi, I’m fine, how are you?

LEONARD: I’m ok, thanks… Love your tie, DOLCE & GABBANA…AND that watch! Must have cost a fortune!

MARIO: A small fortune I suppose…

LEONARD: (to the audience) poor sister of mine, she married a gold digger…

(to Maria) Would you like to take a seat?

MARIO: Yes please… Ah… Guess what!

LEONARD: What?

MARIO: My Susie is coming home from University. After all these years in England, I am so excited…

LEONARD: Is that right… Well MY MICHAEL is coming home too, you know…he’s just finished his second semester with TOP MARKS, TOP OF HIS CLASS

MARIO: IS that so… How lovely… Well You know my Susie is the first in our family to have gone to University, so we are sooo proud. She has been getting all A’s. And not only she is a straight A student but she got engaged! She is bringing her boyfriend home to meet us! A law student from Oxford!... OXFORD UNIVERSITY, ENGLAND

LEONARD: Really? Anyway, my Michael…he studies medicine and… everybody knows medical studies are 10 times as hard as any other “ordinary” course… Can you imagine my son Michael “THE DOCTOR”!

MARIO: Well, my dear friend, I don’t know if should say this but… 

LEONARD: What?

MARIO: I don’t think he’s going to find a job as a doctor when he gets back…

LEONARD: Why not?

MARIO: Oh well, it’s very difficult to find that kind of job here these days, he might as well help out at the restaurant instead…

LEONARD: Let me get you another cup of tea… How many sugars?

MARIO:  Lots and lots of sugar

LEONARD: yeah, I thought you’d say lots and lots of sugar, one can tell being fit is not one of your priorities, is it! OR "Alright, lots and lots (to the audience) WHO'S EATEN ALL THE PIE!...

THE DOORBELL RINGS

MARIO: it must be my Susie!

LEONARD: No, I’m sure it’s my Michael, he said he was going to be home around this time… (GOES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT)

Hello!

SUSIE: Hi

LEONARD: Oh, it’s for you… it’s definitely for you!

MARIO: My Susie? (SHE SEES HER) My Susie?

SUSIE: Hey, PA’, Chill… Peace and love everybody… (she sits on the floor, starts rolling a joint. Enters Corey)

COREY: Yo Sisters, what’s up? (To the audience) How is it hanging bros?

MARIO: Who is this? What is this thing?

SUSIE: Daddy, daddy, daddy ...this is my BOYFRIEND, Corey!

MARIO: No, no no no no no no

LEONARD: here Mario come here, sit down, have a seat, don’t you worry, everything is going to be alright…

MARIO: that is not possible, that’s not MY Susie, and that thing, take that thing away from me! Oh my God, Oh my God, I’m going to have a heart attack

LEONARD: calm down, calm down Maria, let me talk to her… AND.... (to Corey) Excuse me young man, can you NOT sit on my table please?

SUSIE: Stop it UNCLE LEONARD, don’t touch him, if you hit him I’ll hit you back, I love this man!

LEONARD: Susie

SUSIE: Yes UNCLE

LEONARD: Susie

SUSIE: Yes UNCLE

LEONARD: Is this the young man from Oxford University?

SUSIE: No, Oh, no… I said  BOXFORD, the Reform School for Young Offenders, near where I live…

MARIO: Oh no, no, no this is too much I can’t take it anymore, Ijust can’t oh, what am I going to do, where did I go wrong? Oh No…

LEONARD: I know, Iknow Thank God we’ve got my Michael. At least he’s normal!

KNOCK KNOCK

LEONARD :(goes to the door and opens it) Yes Miss, How can I help you?

MICHAEL:  (now between genders) Ma’ (opens up his arms to hug her) It’s me, Michael!

LEONARD: (horrified ) Oh no, oh no… no, no… 

(LEONARD AND MARIO END UP SOBBING , BOTH DESPERATE, THEY HUG AND COMFORT EACH OTHER)

The end